This morning while getting ready for church I was listening to my church music. The song "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" came on and I was struck with awe during the 3rd verse - In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
In that moment I thought of all my Gethsemane moments in my life. I thought of all those moments of pain and drowning. All those moments when I thought I just couldn't take one more step. As I saw those darkest moments again, I saw that He was with me. He kept me from drowning. He kept me moving forward. He grasped my hand even when I wasn't holding onto Him. He was always saving me!
My latest Gethsemane has by far been my hardest, darkest time of my life. Chronic pain and mental health mixed together makes it very hard to see the light. The pain after my car accident became so bad that I began numbing the pain by learning not to feel anything. (This isn't healthy and I suggest not ever doing it.) I was already struggling with a brain injury and I have found there is a physically and spiritual connection when the brain is healthy and when its sick. Since I learned to numb the pain physically, it began numbing me spiritually. I got to the point that I couldn't even feel the spirit. That is the scariest thing that has ever happened.
I still remember one particular day on this journey in my Gethsemane, I was in my closet praying for help. I was begging for God's grace. During that prayer the picture called The Hand of God by Yongsung Kim came to my mind. I remember in that moment seeing Christ's hand with the strongest grip on my forearm. I knew all I needed to do was grip His forearm. I realized how much He was doing for me! He was holding me up without me doing much.
From that day on I knew I needed to do more on my part. I still read my scriptures daily, I prayed, I went to sacrament mtg as much as the pain would allow, but I knew I needed to do more. I started attending the temple when I felt well enough, I listened to General Conference talks daily, I listened to BYU devotionals, and I began attending our stake institute classes. I also took care of myself physically. I continued to see multiple doctors and therapist to seek the best care I could find. I would listen to what my body needed and for me that was rest and healing. I began giving myself this time without feeling guilty. But the most important thing I did was pray for God's grace daily. I knew I needed Him and it was the only way I would feel again.
During this time I remember wondering if I would ever be made whole again. Things seemed so unsure and that always brings fear and darkness. But knowing what I know now, I would never change the process! My joy today has only come because of coming to know Christ in my Gethsemane!
What Gethsemane have you passed through? Can you find joy through the process? Did you find Christ during that time?
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