Two years ago, God began opening my mind to a concept that I was completely shut off to. It was a concept of facing my fears (the story of "Be the Buffalo" from a prior post).
Gymnastics forces you to face fear. If you want to move up levels and be competitive you don't have a choice but to face the fear and do the skills that are being asked of you. After I quit gymnastics years ago, this ability seemed to slowly disappear from my life. I guess I didn't see how important facing fear in my personal life was.
It all started with becoming a mother! Oh I was excited to have children. I always loved them and bonded with them easily. I thought of myself as a baby whisper and thought motherhood would be a breeze. I had all these dreams of the things we would do together and what type of mother I would be for them.
Then the first child came and he didn't sleep or eat, just screamed all the time (he had bad acid reflux and colic). During that same time I began dealing with illnesses of unknown parasites and a dying gallbladder. My patience was thin from physical exhaustion between the illnesses and a child that never stopped screaming. I didn't like the mother I saw. I didn't like her actions. And instead of being patient with her weakness (and weakness for good reasons), I began to hide in my illnesses as a way to escape my perceived "failure" as a mother. I began only doing 1/2 of what was being asked of me as a mother for fear of not being good enough for them. I figured if I let Zac take that role it would be better for the children and I couldn't fail them anymore. (Irrational, I know., but unfortunately it was how I felt)
The fear had paralyzed me and I couldn't see that I had stopped progressing in life. I stopped progressing in being a mother. I didn't realize that by hiding from my fears, I took away my agency of becoming who God needed me to be. Fear began to control all my choices.
Over the last two years God has been slowly teaching me how much I've been like the cow and running away from the storm. One of these instances came this past week as I compared facing our fears in gymnastics to life for my daughter.
She is a level 8 gymnasts. She has talent, but fear has slowly begun to creep into her gymnastics. She has fear of not being good enough, fear of the skill, fear of injury, fear of letting her parents down, fear of teammates catching up to her, etc. All of these things are valid fears. But as we've watched her this season, we see the fear affect her choice to act. We are seeing that she is holding back and not giving 100%. We see her not becoming the gymnast she has the potential to become.
As we sat her down this week and began talking to her about all these fears, I had the distinct impression - YOU ARE DOING THE SAME THING! That's when I knew I had only been giving 50% in motherhood. That's when I knew that I need to be doing more.
This wasn't a moment I needed to beat myself up over. It was actually a beautiful and loving moment of my Father showing me where I could improve in my life. I hadn't been able to see that I wasn't giving my all to motherhood. I've been so sick over the years that I thought I was excused to a degree. But in that moment, I knew I could be more and I wanted to be more.
As I have pondered this moment all week, I recognize that I forgot to "Wake up Jesus" as Dave Butler said in a Time Out for Women address. As I began to fear motherhood, as I felt that the boat was sinking and I was trying to bail the water by myself to save myself, I left out the most important person in the story. I left Christ out of my story!
For years I had testified of Christ! I testified of His ability to save, to heal, to redeem; and yet, when I truly needed Him, I didn't use Him. Somehow I forgot how. I forgot how simple grace is! I forgot how quickly He can calm the sea. I forgot that all I have to do is ask.
Throughout those years of small children I thought I was asking. I was keeping the commandments, I was praying, reading my scriptures, going to church, attending the temple; but I can look back and see I was only going through the motions because fear was stopping me from feeling emotions.
To wake Christ up, I needed to face my fears! I needed to go to Him with that humble heart letting Him know that I recognized I couldn't do it by myself. I needed to express my concerns with Him. I needed to let Him see that I saw my weaknesses, but I trusted through His grace that it would still be enough for my children.
Can you see why this was such a beautiful moment for me the other night?! I was able to look past fears for a second and see how grace can help me.
I still have a fear of failure in motherhood. My children are ages 16 - 8 yrs old. There is a lot I still need to teach and direct them on. But I don't need to do it alone. I can do it with Christ! I need His grace to be the mother my children need me to be. God knew I wouldn't be a perfect mother. He knew I would screw up and be impatient and yet He still in-trusted them to me. He knows I can do it! And most importantly He knew that thru my children I would find and understand my relationship with Christ!
Whatever your fears are don't be afraid to face them! You don't have to face them alone. Christ is here and waiting! His grace truly is sufficient to make up our weaknesses.
D&C 6:34
"Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail."
D&C 68:5-6
"Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you;..."
Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
God needs us to become our fullest potential! Don't hold back because of fear!
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