Marriage - years of becoming

 

Yesterday was my 17 year anniversary!  What a road it has been since we initially met 22 years ago.  We have had amazing moments together and we've had hard struggles.  We've had days where we want to be together and other days we're glad we both work full time.  We have our moments of joys and thinking life can't get any better, to days of tears and heartaches wondering can we keep moving forward.  And yet with it all we wake up the next morning and try again.

I woke up this morning thinking about how I'm just beginning to understand the need for marriage.  

You fall in love and get married with filtered glasses.  You can't even imagine there will be trouble.  I remember when people would tell me just wait till the honeymoon stage is over and I would laugh and say, it won't be any different because he's my best friend - we know everything about each other.  

Within 3 months of being married, I was pregnant and we had babies right away.  We didn't have time to "see" each other.  We were just trying to survive day to day.  We were robots going through life doing what we thought we were supposed to be doing.  We had good and bad days but we'd live for the good days and rejoice in the blessings we were receiving at that time in our lives.

Then a business came and a car wreck that changed our lives.  And somehow in all of that some resentment of not "seeing" each other began to form.  Instead of looking for the good days and rejoicing in blessings, it became a negative thing.  Then the next thing I knew we were both constantly walking on eggshells with each other.  No one really knowing what to say or do without the other getting defensive and on edge.  We would recognize and try to have conversations about how to move forward and how to heal our relationship.  We'd make lists of things we would each do and we were good for about 2 weeks and then it would stop and we'd go right back to the eggshells.  Until one night in our tears we both recognized what was missing in our "healing" process - the atonement.

For years we expected the other person to change, to be who we wanted them to be.  But all that did was build up frustration and resentment about the other person until we had formed these walls and were blocking the other one out completely.

And then in a beautiful moment we both recognized that the only person who could bring down the wall that had been formed between us was Christ!  He would change us to "who we needed to be" and not what the other person expected us to be.  We recognized that only Christ had the power to see the other person as God saw them and to lift them in the way they needed in that moment and not what we wanted.

At the beginning of our engagement the bishop shared with us the triangle of marriage:

I've taught this concept so many times - that we need God in our marriage.  But yet, it never truly meant anything to me till that precious night.  I could never change Zac and he could never change me.  Only God can change us!  And of course because He is the best, He will change us to what the other person truly needs.

I've realized that I'm just at the beginning of my journey with marriage.  This is a time to be learning and becoming.  Marriage is a blessing of the atonement!  Marriage is a way to change to what God needs us to be!  WHAT A BLESSING MARRIAGE IS FOR ME!  

I have always loved being married!  I love the family that we have created and the memories we are making.  When we lost our 3rd baby in miscarriage at 18 weeks, it was such a blessing to have Zac next to my side for the whole experience and know that we would one day see and hold that baby.  When I spent the last 5 years suffering with severe depression from chronic pain that began after my car wreck, I was beyond grateful to have Zac by my side.  But now knowing that only through our marriage I can finally become who God needs me to be, I'm even more grateful to have Zac by my side!

I hope that if you are married you will take a moment and ask for help in your marriage, even if you don't think you need it - I promise you will see things you can do better to become who you need to be.  If you haven't had the opportunity yet to marry, I hope that you will begin to prayerfully write down the qualities of the person you want to be for your spouse.  Then when you are married check that list and see where you are at.

I'm beyond grateful for a merciful God!  I am grateful he is always providing ways for us to BECOME who we need to be!